How to Build Trust in Yourself… In a Secretive World

I have been very lax in the last week getting posts created. Forgive me?  I have had a block and I am not sure why, but will be in prayer, because I love communicating through the written word. Our culture uses the written word a little too much and personal interaction is fading away, the emotions created by a look and a delicate conversation are sailing out the window.

for i know2

Letting you into my darkness, I have written before about my inappropriate relationship while my husband and I were separated, I had a purely written relationship. There is something tragic in that alone. No electronic device can communicate the heartbreak that would lead someone to seek out a comforter. That’s what I wanted. Comfort. Someone to care about my day, about me. To see me, as I was. In my complete brokenness, I found someone who could make me “feel” again.

I have learned in the last decade of my life what it is to turn off emotions, feelings; pain. I remember the literal waves of physical pain I would experience in the most difficult seasons of my marriage, where I would feel a searing sensation whipping through my body. I could understand why someone in great angst could take their life, how they could see no value in who they are anymore, how they could feel that they aren’t necessary to anyone, because they have stopped seeing themselves as worthy of love. In that place, there is only darkness, even when you know the source of light, you can’t seem to open your eyes enough to glimpse the light, and because your eyes have been closed for so long, the light is almost as painful as the dark.

I don’t have a perfect marriage now. Tim would tell you the same thing. We tell those about to get married, to figure out who you are, whose you are, and what you want to be. Get counseling before marriage, seek Godly wisdom before you physically tie yourself to another, before you take a step that is covenant above the contract. Know that you know, go through some life experiences together, don’t rush, if the Lord plans for you to be together, time can only assist you before that decision is made.

I believe in love that stands the test of time, I am certain that there are some so knit together that marriage is the easiest decision they will ever make; they were created with the other in mind. I believe that so often those folks find each other at a young age, unblemished, and prepared as only the Lord can prepare them for a life together, only together, knowing each other intimately in a way no one else will ever know them.  I also know there is love for a blemished bride made white as snow by the King of Kings to be presented to her blemished groom also made white as snow by the King of Kings.

There is great refinement of love in the fire. Every marriage experiences fire, because of the human nature of creation. We will not know a perfect life, or love, we do know a perfect God who sent a Perfect son as a sacrifice on our behalf. He doesn’t intend our lives to be full of strife, He intends for us to invite Him along on this great adventure so that He can wipe our mistakes away, daily, hourly, and present us each morning unblemished to our partner.

But back to the texts that become tests.

I walked in darkness, for years out of a great pain; the death of my dad, the pain of being separated from a man who I thought would never love me as I had dreamed all of my life. Where was my happy ending? I stopped wearing my wedding band. Spouses; if you are going through a difficult time and you have always worn wedding bands; there is significance in that solid ring on your finger. Yes people still come after the target when it’s on, but when it is off, it sends a signal to the realm of darkness that you are ripe fruit dangling from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. You are acknowledging that you are “done” with your marriage, and that you are ready to move on, to relocate your camp from believing that the Lord is able to deciding it wasn’t worth fighting for. You are sending out the bat signal, there is a target on your marriage at that very moment. I know, We became that target.

I was at a new job during this time of my life and no one really knew anything about me, so not having a wedding band on sent a strong message, I had two babies, so I allowed people to assume that I had been married or that I was single, or separated, I didn’t talk about it. I allowed an innocent man to get close to me, emails began very light and simple and before long I was baring parts of me that no one was allowed to see to him, to one who wasn’t in covenant with me. We wrote about deep things, dreams, goals, life similarities, and I was in a daydream. He didn’t even realize I was married.

We texted and while I never moved to a physical relationship, I did something far worse, I allowed him to awaken feelings within me, I had closed off years before, back when pain was an everyday occurrence. I was giving myself to a stranger. I was handing the enemy every weapon he needed to defeat me. I was lost. During this time, no one else in my life knew what was going on inside of me. How I wanted someone to pull me back into reality. I was daring myself, how far can I go before I am caught. I contemplated running off with this guy. I factored in my children, how was I going to get their things together, would he like them?

I would never have left my children; ever. But I have an understanding now that I didn’t before. A compassion for a woman caught because emotions she thought were gone, have overtaken her, and the feeling of being swept away is so real; it’s true to her, or to him. I came home one day; Tim and I stayed in the same home, but different rooms during our separation;  and Tim realized that I was moving on and his reaction startled me into true reality. If he was willing to fight, so was I. I had put an innocent person through hopes and dreams that were unrealistic and unfair because I chose to be in darkness instead of coming to the light.

Texting was an opportunity to not get caught. Even though I was separated and thought I had a right, I still would lay in bed and sleep with my phone in my hand so that Tim wouldn’t know if a text came in the middle of the night. I was always walking on egg shells so he wouldn’t know. I wasn’t wearing my wedding bands to prove to him that I was done with him. A symbol of love, became a signal of finality. What a mess I had made. Tim made messes too; leading to, during and after the separation, but those messes hadn’t involved much emotion. I was all tied up. We had to heal from hurts, from mistruths, from lies, from deceptions and we had to give it all over to God. He had to take our  junk and turn it into treasure, a treasure worth fighting for.

Don’t buy the lie. Your emotional, fun, friendship with someone of the opposite sex is dangerous. It is an opportunity for your enemy who wants to kill, steal and destroy, to walk away with you and your family in chains. It IS that big a deal. Your family and the generations behind you are under attack every time a text comes in that you need to hide, there are arrows pointed to the hearts of your loved ones everytime an email is sent in secrecy. Your marriage, your lineage is valuable. There is no condemnation, no darkness, no hiding in Christ Jesus.

He has paid it all for you to live with it all. He already made a way, and saw your marriage as something worth dying for. Stop selling, yourself, your spouse and your marriage short. He wants you out of bondage, seeing the broken things restored. There is pain when we open our eyes and step from darkness into light, but there is a Comforter who was left here on this planet for YOU. To give you peace, to hold your hand while you experience pain. Don’t hide from the light embrace it, deal with the consequences, because they get far harder to handle the longer the dark stays dark. Accept responsibility when it is due, believe that the Lord can make ALL things new and believe His promise for your future.

“For I KNOW, the plans I have for you”, says the Lord, “Plans for good and not for evil, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

That means no matter what junk you have in that truck in the attic; or your cell, email or Facebook account, the secrets, the lies, the worst things about you, that He is able and ready to turn it for your favor. Look into the light- there is beauty without darkness.




3 thoughts on “How to Build Trust in Yourself… In a Secretive World

  1. Thank you for your candor. He is mindful of you and sees you right where you are. There is healing in Him and through your writing you are on the mend.

    I am often challenged in writing different post and thats when I know, I am actually struggling with that precise thing. God goes through great measures even for one. God loves you.

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