When I started this blog, I fully intended this to be all about creating things. I saw so many beautiful blogs, with such creative things and I thought, “I can do that”. But I couldn’t, it doesn’t fit. When I sit to write, what you read is what is coming out. Crafting is my go-to activity, and it has evolved into something so different. Note about me, I rarely sit still. I have 3 monitors at work, just so I always have something going. It’s quite insane to most people looking into my little world, but for me, it’s perfect. I can multitask like a Queen bee. I have always had to have white noise, something on all day long, music or tv. Other times I am singing to myself to avoid silence. Just typing that reminds me that sometimes God is in the silence.
I don’t audibly hear from the Lord. I shared this with my pastor recently. I don’t expect to see burning bushes. I don’t need neon signs point an arrow in the direction I should go, but I do need peace. Peace to know when to move and when to stand still. Although standing still would be very difficult, if I am called to do it, I want to obey that call. I find that God is in the love surrounding me; because He is Love. Love is one of His names.When I am restless, and unable to commit to an idea, a thought, it is there in the love of my mom, my husband, my children that I find Him.
I don’t know if I have ever told you all that I am a She-Hulk. You know, the Superhero, big green scary guy… I am his other half; which makes the fact that my husband is 7 feet even funnier… I call him the jolly green giant… ha!!! I have a really rotten temper. It doesn’t show itself often, in fact I can take months of frustrations before I blow… but when I blow it’s a really rotten day. I could not get my daughter’s Social Studies report to print the other night, and I was so incredibly done. I felt like such a failure. Failure Status: Yellow We had created this elaborate shadow box on the Powhatan Indians, and I was so proud of our work, but I knew that she needed to present her project and I wanted it to have that extra touch- an un-required touch-because that is something I enjoy doing adding that one unexpected element. There we were trying to get a printer to work, we have 2, it didn’t matter to me which one worked, just that one would. Our computer was out of space on the c drive, it wasn’t going to add the newest printer no matter how many times I added the driver. The other printer is finicky and I knew that, but it was telling me there was no ink, I tried every trick, and I know most of the tricks, it’s part of what I do everyday. It WOULD NOT print.
I was furious. I was tired, and I was weak. I hulk smashed the printer. …I know. How can you ever look at me the same. Then to make it worse, I lied. I told the children who came running at the sound, “I dropped it”. No, I did not drop it. I threw it. Across the room. Failure status: Code Red.
The teacher was so gracious and printed the report, Loralei’s presentation went beautifully. She was proud of her work, I was proud of her work, but instead I gave the enemy an area to grab hold of, and I am certain that the doubt in my children’s eyes will forever be in my mind; they knew I threw that printer, and now they will know to doubt my word. I will apologize to them today for lying, and for allowing my temper to rule over my love of God. Because essentially that is what happened. I felt a prick. I knew I had to stop, and I pushed on. I allowed myself to go beyond the boundaries the Lord has set.
I have found through the inner workings of my being that there is something to confessing your faults. I am going to fail. Not every moment, I will not lose the war, but I have to acknowledge that I am going to lose some battles. I will have struggles, I will mess it up when I think I have it going in the right directions, and something unexpectedly beautiful can be made from my mess because at the end of every day, I am still His, and He is still mine, and forever it will be.
When I made a covenant with Tim, I promised him an uncompromised forever. No matter what we do to hurt each other, unintentionally and intentionally, we will forever be linked, like iron forged in a fire. How much greater my love affair with my savior, the one who died to keep me with Him in paradise. How much more His love for me, how much more is His desire to make me new every morning, to restore me to Himself. I can almost weep with the love he showers on me when I least expect it or deserve it. No matter what we do in this life, His love will always be enough to cover it. Always and Forever.
Don’t throw a printer this week, or kick your dog.