Hiatus… : a period of time when something (such as an activity or program) is stopped
That’s where I have been. Resting, working hard, playing in the snow.
You thought I lived in Virginia, the part that doesn’t see any snow, because the mountains always hog it all? Oh yeah… that’s right, we got snow and it was awesome, and we built a snowman… and since we live in that part of Virginia, it looks quite anorexic right now. Truly a travesty.
But, back to the grind. Some new info we had to process this week: Academic Retention.
Our children are so incredible. Really. I am so blessed. They are everything I wanted my life to be. I am surrounded by love.
They are struggling, hard in school. Really hard. Tim and I didn’t have Preschool as an affordable option when it was appropriate for them. Tim had just gone through 2 back to back layoffs, and we just didn’t have the funds for any additional schooling for them. I worked full time, and Tim ended up in school full time. By the time we picked them up from our incredibly babysitter and got them home, it was time to cook, clean, give baths, and put on cozy p.j.’s and hit the sack. I just couldn’t do it all.
How that pains me. It cuts at the deepest part of me, that I failed. I have had encouraging friends that say, “You didn’t fail”. But, we did, and we know it. We couldn’t give them what they needed academically. The saddest part, I have a degree in Early Childhood Education, I taught preschool, before these sweet babies came. I knew what to do, but time was and is my enemy.
Today we are looking at the future of our children and determining whether we will consider retention as an option. We have a bit of time before the school year ends, but the kind of progress our babies need, is extensive. They are a year a part, so to hold one back would truly be catastrophic. It almost was a relief when we got news the 2nd may need it as well.
Last night it occurred to me…if I hold them back, they are with us another year as adults. Ten year glasses and all that… It’s so much more than just a year when they are 19 as Seniors. So much is different. The transition for me from 18 to 19 was intense. My entire life changed. I now battle the end result against the present result. Chances of them making up a year after being retained to stay with their graduating class- slim.
As a parent you want the best, the very best, and you will stop at almost nothing to provide it. I read, a lot. Like a lot. I retain, all of it. I can remember every book I have ever read, and there was a 4 year span of my life, I read close to a book a day… and I am talking 400 page books. I love it. It brings me joy to read, just relaxing, the sun going down while I soak up a story in unfamiliar surroundings, people with emotions similar and different from mine. Perspectives I do not see, a climatic event, and then a fabulous restorative ending. A sigh of contentment as the book is placed on a shelf, to be picked up again after 3 years or so.
To know that my little girl loves to read, but struggles to do it, cuts me deeply. To know my son, hasn’t progressed since school began, breaks me at the core of my being. To know that God has a plan for them, refreshing. Maybe it’s not their time. Maybe He needs to create a divine time for them to enter High School. Maybe there is something greater for the future that I am blinded to in the present. Maybe His goal for them is perseverance, against the odds. Maybe His plan for me, is more than seeing in them what I didn’t do, but the beauty in what I did do. Maybe I will never know or understand, and maybe I need to realize that if the Lord who created every star I gaze on in the evening could hang them right where they are in beautiful tandem with the sky around them, He has a plan for my little ones, who merely need some time to awaken to the academic world around them.
Maybe it’s better that my babies know their God heals people through their tiny hands, over getting straight E’s. Maybe them singing Spirit Break Out and calling out to God in worship is worth more than an E in writing. Is there a balance? Sure. But if they aren’t ready for the balance, even though they are trying, maybe my view of their inabilities, or their human faults weren’t intended to give me a clear picture of “who” they are, but more of “where” they are going. They are more than conquerors, they are Victors and not Victims. They are the head and not the tail, the first and not the last, above and not beneath, the lender and not the borrower. They are all of these things because they trust in the Lord. Some are so academically minded that the Lord drifts over them and they call it a breeze, a fluff of air, refusing to acknowledge the breath of God covering them in His glory. If I had to pick, and I don’t, which would I prefer, Academic Glory they can claim as their own, or His Glory covering them to do His works to bring heaven to earth?
You know it… I want Heaven on Earth- Pray for us, the journey is long and while we don’t have the answers, the one who created their beautiful hearts and minds does. Pray we have wisdom to do His will!