I have learned so much since having children, some about my own parents, some about God, some about grace and so much has been love.
I learned that love truly is unconditional.
I think until you have children you don’t realize that your love has conditions. You believe you love regardless of the circumstances- but we don’t. We walk away from people who hurt us, we turn our backs when our portion of grace has run out. We destroy memories and moments shared with the people who are no longer in our lives; we are conditional. Nothing can cause me to stop loving my child. No action, choice, sin, disagreement could make my love for Loralei or Cash diminish.
I learned that I don’t know as much as I thought I did.
Remember when your parents tried to tell you something, and you were bound and determined to figure it out or do it yourself? Yep. I remember doing things like that. I thought I knew. I genuinely always believed they were wrong. They weren’t, and now that I sit in that same seat, I just want to help them and teach them, but they “already know.”
I learned that when I have given the last bit of my patience to them, the Lord renews it and allows me to love on them.
When really what is going through my mind, isn’t so loving. When the Hulk smash moments come and for me- they do, I am able to tell them, “mommy isn’t perfect, she messes up and then she says she is sorry.”
I learned that I am sorry, goes miles and miles in depositing trust into our relationship.
When I acknowledge my errors, I teach them that they will be loved and forgiven when they make errors.
I learned that they will be what I am, not what I say.
This one takes my breath away, because I still don’t have it all together. I am still a broken mess, a wounded and hurt woman, who has years of heartache stored up, kept tightly within the confines of my heart and when even a small portion escapes, the great pain I feel drip drops onto their tiny heads. I know that until I am truly broken and give every secret place to God, I will continue to rain my pain, instead of my joy upon them.
I always thought that the secret places people talked about were places that people tried to hide from God, but I now see that is it actually the places that have such hurt, and anguish that you don’t bring it to light because of how incredibly painful it would be for that thing to be dealt with.
I have learned that it MUST be dealt with, for me, this agony could render me helpless. It is frightening and yet, because of the unconditional, incredible love I have for the two young souls under my authority, I must face and conquer what plagues me. I must allow the Lord to mold those hurts from something painful and ugly, into something joyful and beautiful.
It is no wonder that Christians who fall away from their love of Christ during their Young adult years, come running back to Him when they have new responsibilities depending on them- new little and helpless people depending on them. We run back, because HE is THE WAY, THE TRUTH, and THE LIFE. FOREVER.
This is what I have learned in the last 9 years… I can only imagine what the next 9 will hold.