A Dream Released

I have dreams. Lots of them.

Big dreams. I actually thought that they would all come true.

I told you last week, I gave up the musical dream, the one that most vocalist have. I am ok with losing that dream. In that dream it would have been all about me.

The other dreams, have so little to do with me, but instead they have everything to do with children.

I have found that God is not caught unaware of any situation or circumstance. He knows. Everything. You can not come up with anything that He has not already made a plan for in your life.

My dreams begin with children. Lots and lots of children. This dream is one my spouse and I do not share. The endless pain of that has the ability to cripple. Instead of focusing on what my dream is, I look to the Lord. He alone, gave me each dream held tightly in my grasp. Today I have to let my dreams go. I am learning, as you are everyday that the things we do in His name, are not always done with Him, but instead for Him. The commission wasn’t go and do it without Him, but to take Him with us.

I guess somewhere in my hurried and chaotic wedding vows I didn’t hear the parts about giving up my dreams for my husbands dreams. That’s the amazing part about the word of God, sometimes you have to look deeper than the surface. His answers aren’t the same for every one of us; but instead He tailor makes each and every plan and dream. My desire to so strongly pursue my dream and give it up for Tim’s could very well be the only thing the Lord was trying to teach me. It may not be that I one day have an orphanage with laughing children in Africa the way I have always dreamed, maybe it will be a scaled back version of my dream, where my hearts longing and desire is carried out by the monetary support I send. Maybe having more children in my home is not to be. If the Lord has called me to more, He, and He alone will change my husbands heart. I am powerless to change him or anyone else. I can only change myself. I can choose to place my dreams in first place in my heart, and lose my marriage, or I can put the Lord first, my marriage second and my children third and let everything else be put into place by the Lord.

I put my faith in the Lord. He is the reason we change our lives upside down just to be aligned to Him and His word. This is not an easy thing to do. In fact, aside from losing my dad 6 years ago- His birthday was today, and He gets to celebrate with Jesus now, and cakes far better than I could have made—-wait— there is cake in heaven right? right???????  Marriage is the hardest thing I could have ever imagined in my life. Two different people with different backgrounds is hard enough, but Adam and Eve had junk in the trunk and they didn’t even HAVE parents, or divorces, or anything outside of their “issue” in the garden!

I also know it is the greatest gift God gave us so there has to be something He hopes we accomplish for the strife and anguish caused by rough spots in relationships.

I tell you, what I tell me- we CAN do this, and God Himself can have ALL of the glory. When a long time marriage is winning, get around those people and soak up their great tips, attitudes and words most used. Most of us show only the good in front of others, so we have this falsehood of great marriages secretly hemorrhaging in the church. No one wants to be “that couple”, you know- the one everyone knows has a struggling marriage. I dare you, be open with people you can trust- no everyone isn’t called to be as open with the world as I am. Some of you though, are called to be small group marriage leaders, and others are meant to be small group marriage attendees. The title doesn’t matter, the fellowship with other people who have gone before you is what matters. The contact, the information, the help, the wisdom of those who have made something incredible from a story much like yours or mine- well that’s the point.

You aren’t alone. You are not the only one messed up. Your spouse isn’t the only one messed up. The one thing we all share is fear of failure. You can give in, or you can stick out your jaw, wipe off the tears, and slobber marring your face and get back into the battle. There is one who has already gone before you and He has won the battle. You are able to do this and leave a legacy- of faith.

Much Love, and Incredible Faith in Him to do a good work in you and your marriage!!!




It’s a Struggle

To do or not to do.

To say or not to say.

To give or not to give.

No matter how we slice it- we always have a choice to make.


I am guilty of making the wrong choice- too often. I have a temper.I don’t want to have a temper. I would love to be even keel, but it wasn’t how I was programmed, so I have to consciously make a choice to be kinder than necessary in moments of frustration.

I really blow this often. You guys know from pasts post’s that Loralei and Cash call me Hulk Smash, and they have become great indicators of when my temper is rising. Cash began raising his eyebrows when I start to get frustrated. I have asked them to help me. Doing that let’s them know that a.) I don’t want to be that way, b.) I am willing to change, c.) That I value them and want their help in my struggle to beat this thing.

They have learned that when I walk out of a room, to not follow me, and I extend the same courtesy. We have a literal open door policy. When you are in your room, unless you are changing your clothing, your door is open. No doors should be slamming- ever. This has been difficult as Cash has walked through some moments of increased frustration due mostly to academic struggles, and his natural response tends to be destroy and slam. I have to accept some of that upon myself- as he has learned from me in my moments of anger to lash out; how that wounds me as a mother. This is a large reason that I try to change and include them on the journey.

Cash is much like adult me, while Loralei is like a younger me.  When she is angry, she just cries, and hides. I often did the very same thing as friends and family can attest. It was how I coped. What we have gone through with Cash has been far different than anything I have seen before. While he indeed learned negative behaviors from me, he has some that are all his own. I share these, not to embarrass or humiliate Cash, but to let other moms know- You are not alone; and for the children who do these things- You are not alone either.

We have seen incredible growth in Cash’s ability to regulate himself, but there are many times that he simply is maxed out- on everything. It can feel like a normal day with laughter and joking and then in a moment there is a snap in his demeanor. A sudden and unpredictable change. Most often this occurs during homework time, and I began this journey assuming he was overly tired, or hungry, and those still may be reasons, but I am just not sure. His temper will take over and before I know it, he is in a rage. Yelling, throwing things, destroying whatever is in his path. He covers his ears even though he is the one making the noise. I hold him, as loosely and yet as tight as I can. I want to protect him, and keep him from harming himself, and then I pray. I hold him, and rock him and he pushes against me, fist clenched and he hits, and kicks and I hold to him; just as the Lord does me. His skin is so hot to touch- it’s like a fire is caught on the inside of him. Then a time will come- it seems as though it’s days later, but its mere minutes and he relaxes, and his hands have found a blanket, a shirt, or a string and he whirls it around his nose, his fingers that we try so hard to get him to stop sucking settle into his mouth and he starts to breath in and out, and then I know, I have my son back.

It is traumatic, it is hard, and it is unfair- but this is our hand, and we know with the Lord’s help we can play it well.

He apologies before I have even let him go and he ushers in promises to clean his now destroyed room, and after a few minutes of cooling down, he does- his skin temperature is coming down and we together work to fix the mess. For the remainder of that day, he will stick closer to me, and I to him, reassuring love back and forth in the midst of  the days events. I come away bruised and wounded, absorbing his crushing words in anger, and injuries in action. In these moments I want nothing more than to know what causes his reaction so that I can stop it. Is it a food? Stress? A smell? A word? A tone of voice? What is it?

I doubt many of you experience this, if people did, it would be talked about so much more; or would it? Are we afraid to say our children like us, have flaws? Are we unwilling to reach out to one another for help? For encouragement, for strength?

I don’t know; but what I do know, is everyday I have to make a choice to be a faithful wife, and a good mother. After working a full day at work and caring for the needs of a corporation, it is difficult to be either of those things. It is then, in the weariness that I have to acknowledge that it is a choice, I can get into the action, as I do with Cash; or I can sit there and watch it pass me by. Tired or not, weary or not, overwhelmed or not, I have a choice, and I have determined that because of Whose I am. I can do all things, and so can Cash. He can overcome because Jesus overcame. It may be a test of our strength or his will, but because of the blood of a sinless man on the cross at Calvary, we can do this. You and I. We are able. In His strength, and not our own.




Exercise-Because it’s WORTH it!

Tim and I have been working on changing our lifestyle, making an effort to be a bit more healthy.

Oh yeah- you read that right.

Now I know why I never wanted to be healthy before- you have to eat & drink weird things and break a sweat.

I love food, and I love not sweating.

In fact- eating food while I’m in a.c.- is my favorite thing to do.

Unfortunately, I woke up one day a few months ago and realized that it was getting more difficult to eat the donut and not look like I was a donut; so, something had to change. I began “running”… if there was a comical way to show you what that first run was like…



Live from the Middle of the Pack – Hurry Up and Slow Down!======= yep. that was similar, except since I am a girl ladies they are missing sweat in other places-know what I am sayin’?=======

So I only got about a quarter mile before I thought I may be dying. I can home, tail between my legs, face redder than a bright new tomato and vowed to try again tomorrow.

After steady practice, I have amped up to about 3 miles at a time. Amazing right? I thought so too, until today when I ran with Tim.

5 miles. Yesssssss, and it felt so good! The children ride their bikes and stick next to us when we go, and they are learning a lifestyle of exercise.

They drink protein shakes with me and celebrate our long runs and together we are changing our family history. Kiss it diabetes, and cholesterol! Hasta La Vista lazy bones! See ya Later, Jack!

Will I fall off the wagon- at some point, I am sure I will but for now, I say to you- don’t complain about it anymore- do something about it. I can’t stand to hear Tim whine about something he is unwilling to put effort into fixing. If that is you, and you stand in front of a mirror and drop your sweats to the ground and reach for the tub of Blue Bell, sister, make another decision. Drop the spoon, grab your kids stuff them into strollers, put them on bikes and show them what you tell them, “never give up, always do your best, if at first you don’t succeed, try and try again.”


Because I love you, and the people who choose to be in you life- love you. Make a commitment to not be the reason you head out of this crazy world- but instead just be called home.

Don’t short change yourself. It is UP TO YOU!



School Supply-*Nerd Alert*!


—-Nerd Alert—-

You were warned.

If you proceed you will be entering the chaos neatly organized in my mind.

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Marriage Truths

Marriage= hard work

no… I mean really= hard work

I heard someone say “when you find the right person- it shouldn’t be hard”.

I wanted to punch them- right in the jaw.

Just my honest reaction- I don’t hide most of my thoughts, or parts of me from you guys- if you read more than 3 posts- you get a pretty good idea that I am; if nothing else-“real”.

Did I punch them- no. They were on a dvd, so I couldn’t get close enough.

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It’s His- Give it up!

I am behind the curve- I just heard “He Knows My Name” by Francesca Battistelli—The words to that song… wow.

I have been singing since I was a little girl. Like a really little girl. I love it. It has given me such joy and such pain. When you sing, you are exposed. It’s the only way I can describe it. It’s not an instrument where your fingernail can catch on a string, or the pedal on the keyboard gets stuck- if you mess up vocally- it’s all on you.

I am a perfectionist.

I take every word out of my mouth in song, incredibly seriously.

I have failed.

I have succeeded.

I have led and been led into worship more times than I can count and the day I get to sing around His throne is the day my dreams come true.

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10 Sentences That Gave Me Hope

I found a new site today… imom.com

You should go to it…. go ahead… it’s really great. Good information, reader friendly content- way better stuff than you can find flowing from my brain!

There was one article that caught my attention: “10 Things Boys Want to Hear From Their Moms”

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Moment of Silence

Today we mark our 13th Anniversary. The day that stood still, but moved so fast. The tragedy, the destruction of lives, and the Sunday that followed it, one of the highest in attendance among churches in our Nation.

Our daughter came home last week and asked me about September 11th. As she is growing I have to remember that 9/11 is my generations Kennedy Assassination. An event so huge that in a moment, I can go back to it in my mind and literally feel the cold a.c. in the classroom I was working in, see the face of the teacher I worked beside, and the horror on it. I remember at 9 a.m. having a moment of silence each year after in the schools, a time to honor with our hearts and minds those whose lives were lost or altered.

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A Smile is your best defense!

I wish I was as good at actually doing the things that I tell my children to do.

Example: Cash is being made fun of for his super awesome, incredibly sweet new glasses.

I say, “Cash, when they start to tease you, tell them to have a nice day and walk away.”

I feel like I don’t have to tell you that my gut reaction as his mom is to go to the school find the kid and “deal with it”.

He of course is worried about it, and it was breaking my heart to hear him worry about it, so i said, smile at them when they tease you; they will stop. He says, “yes ma’am”.

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Chevron Window Fun

Hey Guys!!!

Just sharing a crazy project I whipped up yesterday. I have spent the last few days making a Homework Nook for the kids. They are both very easily distracted and their old spot was literally in the center of the house, so there wasn’t a lick of concentration between them. I decided to put them in a different room with a window view. The trick was that during the day the sun is streaming through and I didn’t want them to be in direct sunlight, but wanted the natural light.

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