Character Begins With You

I promised an Old Testament moment- journey with me, will ya?

I loved the first time I read that Isaac loved Rebekah. I re-read it over and over, because I had never seen anywhere in the Bible where a husband and wife loved each other. Instead it was all legalistic rules about daughters being sold, or given as property over to another. It made me sad for the, but somewhere inside of me, I always believed I could be in a loveless marriage and bring love and joy to it. I don’t know why I believed I had super powers: for the record- I don’t and I do love my husband and he loves me too.

I started to read about Isaac and Rebekah again last night and I was captivated by the kindness of this woman who loved her husband, and was a selfless individual. She was kind to a stranger and his animals. In Genesis we read that she not only got water for this stranger, but also for his camels, and she didn’t dawdle or take her time, she ran to care for them. That impressed me. I thought- this chick puts me to shame. I started to study what I was reading, and the more I read, the more I realized that I really don’t understand, or attempt to learn enough about what God has said to us in days past to support His dream for our future.

Rebekah marries Isaac when he is 40. It says that she was a great comfort to him at the death of his mother. We learn that Isaac was given two similar situation to his fathers; he lied about his wife being his sister- gross- stop doing that guys! He got busted because he and his “wife” didn’t get a room; instead it says, ahem, “he groped her in public”… yep- that happened and I bet most of you ladies understand Rebekah’s plight- groping is never a good thing! His second issue like his father’s was a seemingly barren wife, and he prayed for 20 years before Rebekah became pregnant.

She of course in true God awesomeness was pregnant with twins. God is cool like that. At some point within her pregnancy she had to go to God for prayer because her twins were fighting each other in the womb… what in the world. What would that even be like? How incredibly painful. I know there were days that just one in my belly caused me anguish, but to have two battling so severely that I have to go to God for answers as to why? Well, that is an entirely different situation. God not only answered her with a simple- “because they will be rival nations”, but followed it up with- “oh, by the way- I hope this doesn’t affect you in your ooey gooey mommy heart- but your oldest sons descendants will serve the youngest sons descendants.”  The End… Just kidding.

Well as all mothers know, it affects us very deeply indeed to see injustice with our children and as uncommon births go, this one got interesting. Instead of a traditional baby boy a Big Foot was born. A hairy little baby, with his not so hairy brother holding his heel… smile- photo time! What’s a mom to do but love on the “normal” baby. I wonder if Esau and his hairy self was treated differently by his mother? So differently in fact that a parental preference is shown from mother to youngest son, Jacob and father to olde son, Esau. Jacob was at home more often with his mother in the house, while Esau joined his father and other men hunting and gathering; developing incredible skills outside.

Rebekah has spent the last 20 years of so hearing the words of the Lord rattling around in her head, and I wonder if she had ever shared them with Isaac?  Would that have changed his decision on his blessing? More of that in a few. Jacob proves that he has been under his mothers control using food as a weapon against his very hungry hunting, working out in the elements brother, and essentially trades his literal birthright because of his body’s physical need. I have to say I was shocked that He didn’t eat in the wild, or that he appeared back at home hungry, but more so that in his day and age he didn’t care about his birthright. It just doesn’t make sense- he was the grandson of Abraham! His grandfather was literally called the “Father of Nations”… that’s a wealthy guy, and the inheritance Isaac received was full and incredible. What person could care so little when status mattered sooo very much! Apparently Esau.

Jacob is well please with himself- but should he have been, I mean dudes typically just lie, women more often deceive- throw stones if you want- but it’s true. He resorted to what he had to have learned from life with his mother.

Time goes by- I didn’t study the timing… my bad.

Rebekah hears that Isaac is prepared to offer his blessing on Esau and she panics. She creates a plan to deceive her husband in a benefit to her youngest son. I am sure that what the Lord had said was in her mind throughout this and she was probably proud of herself, like she was bringing God’s plans to pass- how many of you know that while interesting in thought- that actually doesn’t work. His plans are good enough- He really doesn’t need you to do the planning, just the carrying out!  She actually sews and makes hairy items to cloak Jacob in. He goes to his father and receives the blessing, despite Isaac’s uneasiness at Jacob’s voice coming from Esau’s body. Don’t dupe blind people guys- It’s not cool.

Esau comes in from outside and prepares the meal as Jacob had already done and went to his father’s side, where Isaac learns that he has blessed the wrong son, and is unable to retract it. Esau weeps. I can not imagine the bitterness that I would feel at my brother, and certainly my mother when I found out her involvement. How could they take not only his birthright and the place of the first born son- but to steal the blessing- ouch.

His father gave a minimal blessing after this to Esau and what we see of Isaac’s interaction with Rebekah doesn’t show any antagonism at all… I know my husband would be furious with me. I don’t understand, and more so I am lost as to Rebekah’s change. How do you go from being the kind of woman that runs to get water for a strangers 10 camels to a women who deceives the man who loves her? Where did the change occur? Did bitterness come when she believed herself to be barren? Was she angry with the Lord for giving her a hairy son, maybe one who embarrassed her? What was it? Was it Isaac’s favoritism for Esau or just her love for Jacob? Did she just lose herself somewhere along the way? I don’t know. I have looked, I can’t see where a direct answer is given for why she would do these things.

I can tell you what I have learned from my short time being a wife and mother- I fail so often. I believe as women, we can get swept away in our failures, and what we can present to others matters far more than it should. Rebekah wasn’t unlike any of us. Each of us has hurdles to jump. I remember when I was sweet and kind, and completely un-jaded by life. A time before I knew agony in marriage, agony in death, and agony in dreams. I was different. I bet you were too. Back before you made that one mistake that has marked you. I bet if we got all of Rebekah’s story we would learn that there was a moment where everything changed. An event, a word, a heartbreak, that caused her to nosedive big time. Can you imagine what the cost of her deception was in monetary form? I bet none of us has ever cost one of our children a million bucks. The value of the inheritance Abraham left to Isaac was significant. I bet none of us has ever tried for literally 20 years to get pregnant. If you have- Bless your heart- and leave a comment- because we want to celebrate God’s faithfulness with you. I bet none of us are prepared to see what our lives would look like written out by someone else’s hand. The shame I would feel- would be overwhelming; but for His grace and mercy.

What we learn from Rebekah is that when God makes a promise to you, He does not need your help, deceitful or faithful to make it happen. He just needs you to be willing to carry out what He asks of you. There is beauty in that. In knowing that He has a plan that goes beyond you. If we didn’t believe that in the depths of our souls where would we rest? What we learn from her is that the beginning of our story doesn’t have to end the same, and vice versa. If you were like Rebekah- like the un-jaded me- we don’t have to stay in our “new”state- we can become even “newer” and reflect Him. We in fact, are called to look more like Him. There is more on the line than the way other people perceive us ladies, there is the internal perception our children not only see from us, but will reflect in themselves. We can build their character or break it. We can be a blessing to our husband or we can be a curse. It actually is, up to us.

May you have new strength to walk out His plans and purposes for you, May He show you the area of weakness that He will make strong, and may you choose to make today more than yesterday and the days before.




How to Build Trust in Yourself… In a Secretive World

I have been very lax in the last week getting posts created. Forgive me?  I have had a block and I am not sure why, but will be in prayer, because I love communicating through the written word. Our culture uses the written word a little too much and personal interaction is fading away, the emotions created by a look and a delicate conversation are sailing out the window.

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Letting you into my darkness, I have written before about my inappropriate relationship while my husband and I were separated, I had a purely written relationship. There is something tragic in that alone. No electronic device can communicate the heartbreak that would lead someone to seek out a comforter. That’s what I wanted. Comfort. Someone to care about my day, about me. To see me, as I was. In my complete brokenness, I found someone who could make me “feel” again.

I have learned in the last decade of my life what it is to turn off emotions, feelings; pain. I remember the literal waves of physical pain I would experience in the most difficult seasons of my marriage, where I would feel a searing sensation whipping through my body. I could understand why someone in great angst could take their life, how they could see no value in who they are anymore, how they could feel that they aren’t necessary to anyone, because they have stopped seeing themselves as worthy of love. In that place, there is only darkness, even when you know the source of light, you can’t seem to open your eyes enough to glimpse the light, and because your eyes have been closed for so long, the light is almost as painful as the dark.

I don’t have a perfect marriage now. Tim would tell you the same thing. We tell those about to get married, to figure out who you are, whose you are, and what you want to be. Get counseling before marriage, seek Godly wisdom before you physically tie yourself to another, before you take a step that is covenant above the contract. Know that you know, go through some life experiences together, don’t rush, if the Lord plans for you to be together, time can only assist you before that decision is made.

I believe in love that stands the test of time, I am certain that there are some so knit together that marriage is the easiest decision they will ever make; they were created with the other in mind. I believe that so often those folks find each other at a young age, unblemished, and prepared as only the Lord can prepare them for a life together, only together, knowing each other intimately in a way no one else will ever know them.  I also know there is love for a blemished bride made white as snow by the King of Kings to be presented to her blemished groom also made white as snow by the King of Kings.

There is great refinement of love in the fire. Every marriage experiences fire, because of the human nature of creation. We will not know a perfect life, or love, we do know a perfect God who sent a Perfect son as a sacrifice on our behalf. He doesn’t intend our lives to be full of strife, He intends for us to invite Him along on this great adventure so that He can wipe our mistakes away, daily, hourly, and present us each morning unblemished to our partner.

But back to the texts that become tests.

I walked in darkness, for years out of a great pain; the death of my dad, the pain of being separated from a man who I thought would never love me as I had dreamed all of my life. Where was my happy ending? I stopped wearing my wedding band. Spouses; if you are going through a difficult time and you have always worn wedding bands; there is significance in that solid ring on your finger. Yes people still come after the target when it’s on, but when it is off, it sends a signal to the realm of darkness that you are ripe fruit dangling from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. You are acknowledging that you are “done” with your marriage, and that you are ready to move on, to relocate your camp from believing that the Lord is able to deciding it wasn’t worth fighting for. You are sending out the bat signal, there is a target on your marriage at that very moment. I know, We became that target.

I was at a new job during this time of my life and no one really knew anything about me, so not having a wedding band on sent a strong message, I had two babies, so I allowed people to assume that I had been married or that I was single, or separated, I didn’t talk about it. I allowed an innocent man to get close to me, emails began very light and simple and before long I was baring parts of me that no one was allowed to see to him, to one who wasn’t in covenant with me. We wrote about deep things, dreams, goals, life similarities, and I was in a daydream. He didn’t even realize I was married.

We texted and while I never moved to a physical relationship, I did something far worse, I allowed him to awaken feelings within me, I had closed off years before, back when pain was an everyday occurrence. I was giving myself to a stranger. I was handing the enemy every weapon he needed to defeat me. I was lost. During this time, no one else in my life knew what was going on inside of me. How I wanted someone to pull me back into reality. I was daring myself, how far can I go before I am caught. I contemplated running off with this guy. I factored in my children, how was I going to get their things together, would he like them?

I would never have left my children; ever. But I have an understanding now that I didn’t before. A compassion for a woman caught because emotions she thought were gone, have overtaken her, and the feeling of being swept away is so real; it’s true to her, or to him. I came home one day; Tim and I stayed in the same home, but different rooms during our separation;  and Tim realized that I was moving on and his reaction startled me into true reality. If he was willing to fight, so was I. I had put an innocent person through hopes and dreams that were unrealistic and unfair because I chose to be in darkness instead of coming to the light.

Texting was an opportunity to not get caught. Even though I was separated and thought I had a right, I still would lay in bed and sleep with my phone in my hand so that Tim wouldn’t know if a text came in the middle of the night. I was always walking on egg shells so he wouldn’t know. I wasn’t wearing my wedding bands to prove to him that I was done with him. A symbol of love, became a signal of finality. What a mess I had made. Tim made messes too; leading to, during and after the separation, but those messes hadn’t involved much emotion. I was all tied up. We had to heal from hurts, from mistruths, from lies, from deceptions and we had to give it all over to God. He had to take our  junk and turn it into treasure, a treasure worth fighting for.

Don’t buy the lie. Your emotional, fun, friendship with someone of the opposite sex is dangerous. It is an opportunity for your enemy who wants to kill, steal and destroy, to walk away with you and your family in chains. It IS that big a deal. Your family and the generations behind you are under attack every time a text comes in that you need to hide, there are arrows pointed to the hearts of your loved ones everytime an email is sent in secrecy. Your marriage, your lineage is valuable. There is no condemnation, no darkness, no hiding in Christ Jesus.

He has paid it all for you to live with it all. He already made a way, and saw your marriage as something worth dying for. Stop selling, yourself, your spouse and your marriage short. He wants you out of bondage, seeing the broken things restored. There is pain when we open our eyes and step from darkness into light, but there is a Comforter who was left here on this planet for YOU. To give you peace, to hold your hand while you experience pain. Don’t hide from the light embrace it, deal with the consequences, because they get far harder to handle the longer the dark stays dark. Accept responsibility when it is due, believe that the Lord can make ALL things new and believe His promise for your future.

“For I KNOW, the plans I have for you”, says the Lord, “Plans for good and not for evil, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

That means no matter what junk you have in that truck in the attic; or your cell, email or Facebook account, the secrets, the lies, the worst things about you, that He is able and ready to turn it for your favor. Look into the light- there is beauty without darkness.